The Phoenix Square Zombie Contingency Plan

An open letter from Phoenix Square

To our valued guests,

I’m sure that many of you were as abhorred as we were earlier this year by the frankly disgraceful revelation that Leicester City Council has made absolutely no preparations for a possible zombie attack. We at Phoenix Square would like to take this moment to reassure everyone that at least one organisation in Leicester is prepared for what we feel is an inevitable eventuality. In the interest of adhering to the Freedom of Information act, we present to you our contingency plan in the event of a zombie apocalypse below.

Here at Phoenix Square, we take health and safety extremely seriously. All of our staff go through rigorous first aid, evacuation and fire arms training. We pride ourselves in being the only independent cinema in Europe whose front of house team is as highly proficient in advanced combat tactics as it is in ticket ripping. We also host an annual training day in the form of the Day of the Undead festival.

We do, of course always put our guests welfare first. For this purpose on the underside of every seat in both our auditoriums, is strapped a variety of melee weapons. These tend to vary between golf clubs, cricket bats, nail bats, there’s even a few katanas thrown in there if that’s your thing. We also provide you with a med kit and enough dehydrated food to last you for 2 weeks, all included in the price of a £7 film ticket! This is a part of our on going campaign to provide tremendous value for money.

Please read and memorise the following guidelines drawn out for your safety. The zombie apocalypse is coming. We don’t know how and we don’t know when, but when it does, rest assured that you are within the most prepared Digital Media Centre in the country.

Yours truly,

Graham “Headshoting Wonder” Muir

Box Office Assistant

Phoenix Square Zombie Contingency Plan

1. Should Phoenix Square be alerted to a zombie epidemic by means of a zombie stumbling into our foyer, the zombie shall first be politely encouraged and then strongly recommended to leave the premises. If at this time the zombie in question does not leave the building, the zombie shall be executed by means of headshot, delivered via the loaded shotgun kept behind the Box Office. Any remaining zombies and/or bitten patrons/staff shall also be forcibly ejected in this manner. Phoenix Square shall then go into lockdown mode.

2. Upon lockdown mode being instigated, our guests will be prompted to decide whether to stay within the Phoenix or to leave the building in order to find another stronghold/loved ones or indulge in some ol’ fashioned looting. Customers are free to do either, however, they shall be made to understand that after leaving, should they attempt to regain entry to the premises, they shall be assumed to be one of the stricken and treated as such. Likewise for those who stay, they shall only be permitted to leave when bitten or at such a time when Phoenix Square can ascertain for certain that the zombie epidemic has come to an end

3. Upon going to lockdown, large shutters will come down, covering the windows and doors of the foyer, screen lounge and office spaces, cutting off both access and view of the living persons with delicious brains within the building, from the soulless abominations outside.

4. The goings on outside the building will be monitored via the cctv system, a shortwave radio and any media outlets that are still operational.

5. Our two mounted machine guns (usually kept to control unruly guests when a film print hasn’t arrived in time for a screening) will be positioned on the roof along with one of our projectionists, all of whom happen to be expert snipers.

6. Sleeping arrangements shall be made in the upstairs etc suites and a sentry system implemented. The armoury in the operations office shall be opened and weapons and ammunition shared out dependant on individual ability / proficiency.

7. All perishable food within the kitchen store must be eaten first with the exception of the meat which shall be stored in a freezer in the administration office upstairs. After this, our store of dehydrated food shall begin to be rationed out. At our maximum capacity of guests plus staff members, we estimate that our vast stock of dehydrated food should last roughly 8 months.

8. Entertainment shall be provided by free wifi in our screen lounge, screenings of our dvd collection, a shooting gallery on the roof (with real zombies) and obligatory weekly karaoke and variety show nights.

9. All decisions shall be made by the Duty Manager and his/her word is final in all matters. If the Duty Manager falls to mishap, zombie infection or a coup, a new Duty Manager shall be appointed by means of a 3 week application and interview process.

10. In the event that it seems likely the zombie horde shall manage to get past the shutters and gain access to the lower levels, survivors will retreat to the upper levels. All remaining meat shall be placed in the upper courtyard along with the bodies of re-killed undead / deceased ex-survivors. All doors except a path to the courtyard shall be barred and locked (with only key fob access). All doors to the courtyard apart from the one for the zombies to enter through shall also be locked and barred. It is this company’s opinion that the zombie horde shall filter into the courtyard, attracted by the meat / corpses piled there. Survivors may then leisurely pick off the soulless from the upper windows on the residential apartments.

11. In the unlikely event that the undead acquire key fobs and bypass the lower locked doors, survivors must fight a running battle to hold back the hordes in the upper residential areas, using narrow corridors to their advantage. In the event that things looking bleak, Phoenix staff are required to partake in a “who can have the most heroic/hilarious death” incentive scheme. If pushed back, survivors shall retreat to the roof. Save a bullet for yourself.

Disclaimer: Phoenix Square accepts no liability for individuals being shot, maimed, wounded, stabbed, impaled, disembowelled, beheaded, bitten or infected by the soulless undead on its premises or as a direct or indirect consequence of it’s policies.

The above contingency plan is tailored to withstand slow, stupid zombies. We are also confident that our plan will hold nearly as well against fast, stupid zombies. In the case of an attack by fast, smart zombies, Phoenix Square reserves the right to just give up and die, saving ourselves the hassle of a doomed struggle.

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One Response to The Phoenix Square Zombie Contingency Plan

  1. Pingback: Creased or Folded? Hecklerspray Tells You The Way It Is. | Hecklerspray

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